I have big dreams. I’ve always had big dreams, but I’ve always been hesitant to follow them. Lately I have been trying to pin-point what I’m supposed to do with this life of mine. Staying home with my children is certainly a blessing that I don’t take for granted, but I find myself often thinking about what more I can be doing. I’ve dreamed about my big dreams, but until now I haven’t had much clarity and that, my friends, was so frustrating.
I was at Bible study the other day (Entrusted, by Beth Moore – a study of 2 Timothy), and was confronted with the question, where do you feel particularly weak right now? I sat there with this heavy, uncomfortable, overwhelming feeling and willed myself not to open my mouth to answer. My mouth betrayed me and it all came tumbling out (someone should really get me a muzzle). The more I talked, the more I felt this urge to get it all out and I literally couldn’t stop myself. If there is one thing I know for sure, it is that healing, growing, learning and beauty stem from the ability to be vulnerable. I am going to be completely vulnerable with you and I invite you to feel free to be vulnerable with me.
I have stayed home for the past 10 years. These 10 years have been filled with laughter and tears, joy and sorrow, diapers and potty training, among many other things. Now I feel like I’m ready for more. I have invested so much time and energy into my little humans and many days it is a thankless job; rather than gratitude and love I am receiving tantrums and attitude. I don’t mean to paint a nasty picture of my children or our home life, but I think most parents would agree that being mom (or dad) is not always sunshine and rainbows…there are storms mixed in. I wouldn’t trade my life as mom for anything, but I’m ready to start fulfilling some of my dreams as Lindy, not as mom.
It’s no secret that I love to read and write. I feel very alive and full of hope and energy when I’m writing, so this indecisive mind of mine is thinking it must have something to do with what my purpose in life is. Being that I’m still knee-deep with young children, I’m not able to get wild and crazy in the pursuit of my dreams, but I’ve decided to take small steps because even a small step in the right direction will keep me moving forward. Today I decided to figure out why I love to write so much so I sat down with this beautiful journal a friend gave me for my birthday..
I struggle so much with being indecisive and I am starting to think it’s because I’m afraid to voice my opinion for fear of disagreement or letting others down. So this is where I’ve been feeling weak. I avoid conflict at all costs and that is not always a good thing. When I start to quiet my own voice in order to make others happy I am cheating myself. This is all a very long, drawn-out way of saying that writing makes me feel like I have a voice. Not the mom in me, but me, Lindy. I have a voice and an opinion and I have to start acting like it matters because to do anything otherwise is a disgrace to myself. Being vulnerable is hard and uncomfortable and scary…and thrilling and hope-filled and necessary. I find it easiest to be vulnerable when I write, so every day I am going to write because along with helping me be vulnerable, it makes me feel happy and fulfilled. Some days I will press the publish button and share my writing with you. Some days it will just be in my journal. All days it will be because I find purpose and beauty in writing.
Friends, I sincerely hope you know you can always be vulnerable with me. Do you have big dreams? I’d love to hear them. It really is thrilling to dream big and be vulnerable.
Be Light. Be Love. Believe.