Have you ever felt so completely overwhelmed that you feel you can’t take another step? Or your heart feels so heavy that you can’t possibly even fake your smile anymore? Have you had so many thoughts swirling that it feels impossible to speak even one out loud? It all takes so much emotional energy and you are just too depleted. I am in that season right now, and I can’t speak for my husband, but I’m pretty sure he’s feeling close to this, too. We have a son, Lucas, in China. We have been “matched” with Lucas since April. We thought we would be traveling this summer to bring him home, but we are at the mercy of other people’s decisions and have been delayed significantly. We have had so many sweet friends ask for updates, so I figured I’d jump on here and pour my heart out for you. It might be good for my soul, too. 😉
We all have our own journey we are walking, and will all experience difficulties and road blocks along the way, that is a guarantee. I am a sensitive soul. I cry over commercials and songs. I cry when I’m happy and sad, or even when I’m just laughing too hard. I am empathetic.
Now there are certainly many blessings to being an empathetic person, and truly I would so much rather be empathetic than be ignorant to what others feel and are going through. When there is a healthy balance, I believe empathetic people can make a huge positive difference in the world around them. I’m at the point right now that I am thrown way off balance and am not standing on solid ground. I am in a season, brought on by this seemingly impossible waiting, that makes being empathetic feel like a curse. I am trying to find balance.
We have spent many months trying to see the silver lining in our wait, and yes there definitely are a couple, but I’m over it. I’m sick and tired of searching for silver linings. I was talking to my mom the other day and explained that I understand if people don’t necessarily get the deep ache we have in our hearts as we watch week after week slowly fade away and still aren’t on our way to get our precious boy. After all, God placed it on our hearts to love Lucas as our child, He did not put that kind of love for Lucas in others’ hearts. It is a love that only a parent can have for their child. We have heard countless times, “It’s God’s perfect timing…it will happen…you just have to trust Him.” In our hearts we know that, but that does not make it any easier. I suppose nothing can make the wait easier. I suppose this is a season we need to look within, lean on God, and grow in Christ. But it is STILL NOT EASY.
Recently I realized how closed off and numb my heart has become. We were having a family Christmas in August with some of Rob’s family and after we said grace, his Aunt added a prayer for Lucas. I melted (and cried, of course). It was so, so good to hear her prayer and know she was filling in a gap for us while we are struggling. For those of you continuing to lift us and Lucas up in prayer through this long wait, I genuinely thank you and appreciate you.
This is a much heavier post than I usually write, but this is the truth I am living right now. It is almost therapeutic to be able to get it all out; almost like lifting a weight off my heart. If you have made it this far, will you please lift us up in prayer right now? Specifically that…
- Lucas’ heart is preparing for his new family and the tough, but beautiful transition that will eventually come.
- Lucas stays healthy and well cared for during this wait.
- USCIS will finally grant us our i800 approval so we can move forward and get travel approval (this is what has delayed us by MONTHS).
- Rob and I remain patient and have a peace in our hearts that surpasses understanding. That we keep hope in our hearts.
- We all spend as much quality time together as we prepare for a new school year and a big transitional year for all of us.
- Madi, Brady, Ali, and Avery continue to grow in their love of Lucas and understanding of the changes that will happen. That they will continue to know they are so adored and loved by us, even when our attention is divided so greatly.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for caring. Thank you for praying.
Until next time…
Be Light. Be Love. Believe.